Do you know His Majesty, Haji Hassanal Bolkiah Muizzaddin Waddaulah, the Sultan of Brunei?  Do you know someone who knows him?  If so, please forward on this message:

Your Excellency:

It has been 10 insufferable years since Bill Gates surpassed you as the world's wealthiest man. These have been dark days indeed when unparalleled personal fortune has been defined not by harems and saffron-fueled Lamborghinis made of gold, but by stock options and sensible V neck sweaters.

We at Lindland Clothing long to return you to your rightful place as supreme opulence incarnate, so we've begun a grassroots effort to reinstate you as the world's wealthiest man.  Our contribution: the world's most expensive pair of pants.

Though they may look a pair of our $80 espresso check seersucker pants, this pair is special.  Valued conservatively at $983 million, these are, without a doubt, the world's fanciest pair of pants.  And they're yours for free!

And what makes these pants so valuable?

* The cotton of these fine seersucker trousers was grown and loomed exclusively on the International Space Station, then hand sewn by professional hand models, also in orbit, using fibers from the Shroud or Turin and Barry Bonds' 700th homerun baseball.

* King Tut's sarcophagus was melted down and molecularly compacted to form the 24 millimeter button of your trousers.

* Inspector #6 inspected the pants 6,000 times before proclaiming them flawless, then dying in ecstacy.

* Your trousers were washed in a bath of babies“ tears, warmed by a still-smoldering meteorite.

* They carry the scent of the small of Sophia Loren's back.

* They were serenaded by the ghost of Liberace.

* Finally, and we“re not sure how, at least eight Faberge eggs and a squadron of stealth fighters were destroyed in the production of your pants.

We know you would expect nothing less.

With this great gift of clothing, you are nearly 1/16th of the way to overtaking your rival in riches.  Merely a sub-billion-dollar pittance, for sure, but we at Lindland Clothing believe all great campaigns start with a small step in the right direction.

With love,

Your Faithful Servants at Cordarounds

At long last, we have a drug subculture to call our own. We'd been holding out for Shoe Goo sniffing, but according to a recent artile in Details Magazine, our pants are the hottest look in opium dens from Rangoon to Richmond, VA.   Read for yourself in expose.  Yes!

So today, we proudly announce a strategic partnership with opium lord Baron Chou to explore synergies in the pant and poppy trades.  Together we can stimulate the Afghan economy and deliver best-of-breed seersucker solutions wherever his ilicits are solicited.

SAN FRANCISCO, April 05 — Tony Bennett may have left his heart in San Francisco, but a tourist recently discovered that you can leave your arm there as well. That is, when local fashionistas convince you to stick your arm into a dark and foreboding grotto – a grotto that happens to be occupied by a large and remorseless sea lion, whose insatiable appetite for human flesh is exceeded only by his remarkable capacity to accurately predict the onset of the summer fashion season!

Perpetually shrouded in a thick fog, San Franciscans have for years employed a most unusual method for figuring out if warm, summer weather is in the cards, a time-tested ritual that has drawn comparisons to Punxsutawney Phil, the famous weather-predicting groundhog. Each April, Bay Area designers dupe an unsuspecting visitor to reach into the bone-strewn lair of Frisco Frank, an impossibly ferocious sea lion, and attempt to feed him a crab. If the sea lion takes the crustacean, then chances are the summer swelter will be late. If, however, Frank rips the person’s arm off with his powerful jaws, then – rejoice! – white-pants weather is just around the corner. Indeed, the sight of a horrified tourist stumbling along Fisherman’s Wharf as his or her bloody stump flails in the cool morning breeze means it’s time to start buying the latest summer fashion – like Summerounds horizontal seersucker pants and shorts.

“Clearly, the long, hot summer is upon us,” said Cordarounds founder Chris Lindland, coolly observing Frisco Frank devour tourist Todd Murphy’s left arm. “Time for cold, refreshing beverages and cool, seersucker pants and shorts like these."

This year’s Summerounds come in new colors, with new linen liners and more pucker. They’re stylish and also surprisingly high-tech – reportedly at least 90 degrees cooler than traditional seersucker pants.

Historical note: Few doubt Frisco Frank’s powers of prognostication or sense of style. Legend has it that Levi Strauss, another notable San Francisco pant maker, would con hapless gold prospectors into feeding the sea lion with arms swathed in different fabrics. Frank’s extraordinary appetite for denim inspired Straus to design jeans, particularly in the color blue.